Apology accepted vs. Apology Ignored

How many of us remember some variation in the voice of your mother saying, "Now, you be nice and apologize to Susie...or Johnny...or the family dog?  Which would be, hopefully, followed by your friend accepting the apology, or the dog wagging its tail, and all the hurt feelings mended.

Refusing to share!  Sincere apology needed!

A recent news item caught my attention and prompted this blog, which is not intended to take sides in the particular situation but rather just to be a comment on the issue of apologizing. In fact, --I am not even going to bring attention to the particular apology that caught my eye.  In the days since I started drafting this blog I have seen several examples of all kinds of apologies--good ones and bad ones, as well as gracious acceptances and hateful refusals, so I am sure you can find your own examples to consider!

When we were five years old and our mothers told us to apologize, we knew what we were expected to do.  "I'm sorry," we would say, doing our best to look contrite.  The recipient, as I recall, had a few possible responses.  Among them, the simple "OK," or the extremely gracious "That's all right.  You didn't mean it."

Times have changed.  Most of us are familiar with the non-apologetic apology: "I'm sorry you took it that way," casting the infraction on the person who was offended or hurt rather than acknowledging their own bad behavior.  Going even further is the denial:  "That's not what I said."  Or, the sharing of responsibility apology avoidance:  "I guess we both got a little carried away."

Has the very idea of an apology become obsolete?  I certainly hope not, but perhaps too many apologies are more interested in justifications and excuses.  For example, here are some pitfalls that defeat true apologies, if an apology is to be sincere.  

1. Don't get caught up in arguing 'who started it."  Even if you are tempted to point out the other person's contributions to the problem, settle instead on saying simply "I'm sorry for my part in this situation."

2.  A true apology does not include the word "but."

3.  An apology isn't going to accomplish much if the behavior for which you are trying to apologize is repeated time and again.

4.  Sometimes "I'm sorry" isn't enough and takes time to restore trust, but pouting and absolutely refusing to accept a sincere effort to repair the wrong can also be unfair.

Sharing the toys.  No apology needed!

I fear that the art of a sincere apology is dying. Admitting a mistake or poor judgement seems to become harder and harder for people today, and if we don't sincerely regret whatever it is we are apologizing for, nor intend to avoid the behavior in the future, maybe there really is no point in an apology.  When you were a child, did a simple "I'm sorry" make a real difference that allowed you to go back to playing happily together?

In more sophisticated language, didn't those simple words often repair the relationship?  Didn't they often work a reconciliation?  Didn't they help to restore some dignity and sense of justice to the child whose feelings were hurt and successfully mend the harm of whatever had happened?  But, didn't it really all come down to the sincerity of the apology? 

Maybe the advice our mothers taught us, to say we were sorry when we messed up, was pretty good advice.  .